Over the course of time, I realised how much I held on to the kind of life I lived in the past. Even after my dad had passed away, I was still chasing him to love me and see me. I was still trying to seek his approval; trying to make him feel proud of me (as if he were somewhere looking down on me, watching my every move); trying to find qualities from men like my dad had – hoping that somehow, if I did find those qualities, I might hear those precious words, “I love you” – words my own father never uttered to me even while he was still alive. So, that for me, as a father was his ‘unfinished’ business to his daughter.
Since I have known the Lord and spent more time with Him – understanding and experiencing His love and goodness – I realised that I do not need to work hard for him to love me. I realised because He created me, He knows me – my strengths and even my weaknesses. His thoughts towards me are precious. He’s always after what is best for me. And the more I contemplate on this, the more it became easier for me to let go of relationships that are never going to be good for me.
What happened in my past and in my family didn’t necessarily have to happen to me and my own (future) family as well. Since God wants to restore me and give me a future and a hope, He wants to replace my mourning into dancing; my weeping into singing of songs of joy. My God loves me with an everlasting love. I don’t have to win it because it is free. My God wants me to forget the former things and not to dwell in the past, but look forward to a bright future because He’s already there.
For so many years I have lived in fear that I might end up like my mother who lost her husband early on in their marriage or if not, that I might find a husband (out of desperation), who would only give me unbearable heartaches. So, I lifted up all my fears and worries to the Lord and made a conscious decision that I will live in freedom for the rest of my life.
So when it comes with my relationships especially with men, I make a decision that…
– I never ever want to live an empty life. Therefore, I will choose a man who is living a full life with the Lord.
– I never ever want to be a widow at an early stage of my marriage. Therefore, I will choose a man who looks after not just his spiritual being but also his own health.
– I never ever want to be apart from my husband and raise my kids alone. (My mom literally raised us by herself as my dad was always away.) Therefore, I choose a man who values not only providing for his family but more than ever his time with them.
– I never ever want to have to deal with extra marital affairs. Therefore, I will choose a man who fears the Lord above all and honors the sanctity of marriage.
– I never ever want to have to deal with a drunken husband (my dad died from liver cancer caused by excessive drinking of alcohol). Therefore, I will choose a man who chooses to be filled with Holy Spirit and exemplifies it in his life.
I am declaring freedom from these bondages and surrender these areas to the Lord because I’m breaking free from the kind of life that the enemy has always been trying to offer me. I am not going to compromise. I am not even going to consider it. I’m simply breaking free and I’m going to walk into the Promised Land.
My God is making a way in the desert. He is turning my parched land into a land flowing with milk and honey. I am walking into wholeness and in truth – to the life free from confusion, pain or brokenness. So I am releasing my dreams to the Master Orchestrator.
I am shouting out freedom! Jesus is my Lord! I am overthrowing away old mindset and replacing them with the mind of Christ.
He will rebuild my walls back again and embellish them with precious gems – rubies, diamonds and sapphires and it will shine like a glorious dawn.
He will plant my vineyards that it may bear fruits – fruits that will last forever!
He will make me bloom like a flower in springtime that I will be so beautiful – all nations will see and be amazed at what God has done! And I will hear them say, “What an amazing God you have!”