My Dearest Children,
I want you to know how much I love you already!
When did I start loving you?
Do I begin in my early childhood when in spite of my stubbornness I have to obey my parents when they tell me to wash the dishes, clean the house and finish my homework and avoid sweets before going to bed because sweets were bad for me and that doing household chores and homework was good for me as I will need to teach my own children the same so they don’t end up becoming lazy? I listened to them, perhaps that is why I enjoy my work and love helping others too.
Or do I begin in my teens when I would sneak out to be with my friends to try every vices available in the world because it was cool to do so, only to come home to a stern look on my parents faces and an endless sermon about what-not-to-do in dark places and that choosing who my friends are will tell me who I am and will become. I remembered them so well, that is why I chose to hang out with friends who encouraged me to reach my dreams and discover my own potential.
Or do I begin in my early twenties when I first fell in love, thought of running away with that man, get married and have kids, only to have my heart broken because I was way too young and immature? But now I could laugh at own stupidity, so glad it didn’t work out. I knew I wasn’t ready to meet you yet.
Or do I begin in my late twenties when I realized that life was way too complicated to live in, problems were way too many for me to handle and questions were way too difficult to answer that I needed to cry out to God to fix me and get me back on track?
Or do I begin in my early thirties when people around me start pressuring me to stop being picky, go out on a date, get married and have kids because I just am not getting any younger?
Or do I begin now when the thought of having you in my life becomes so real that I start thinking about you every day, wondering what you would look like, what it would be like to have you call me, “Mommy!”, what would it be like to hold your tiny little hands, thinking of possible names I’d call you, where you’d spend your first birthday and wondering whether I’d cry on your graduation or even on your 18th birthday.
Or perhaps the answer would be that I begin loving you the moment I begin loving myself more. Because it was when I realized that in order to love another human being, I need to know and understand myself more – what I want in life, where I come from and where I’m going.
As time passes my heart longs for you, as I see my dreams come to pass and everything that I’ve ever wanted to happen in my life falls right into place – thinking how you’d enjoy what I have prepared for you or how you’d love having me as your mom.
But just hang in there for now my little darlings, because mommy still got one more important thing missing in her life right now… your DAD! 🙂
With all my love,