I was going through my old journals when I came across one of my entries back in 2011. It just makes me smile as I read it now but back then it wasn’t a very amusing experience. The only reason I can gladly share it with you now is because of the amazing grace in which God has given me throughout those times when I was struggling NOT to get into an ‘unequally yoked’ relationship.
And here’s what I wrote then….
There were pretty good lessons which I had to learn the hard way. For instance, when God says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14), I did not believe it right away. Instead, I tried to get myself yoked. In fact, I tried so hard to get myself yoked to the point that I was already embarrassing myself in front of the unbelieving guy who I was trying to compromise God with.
It was pretty darn painful! The results had left me broken, crying my heart out and feeling the pain everywhere both physically, mentally and emotionally. The worst part of it all was that this whole mess of me trying to exacerbate God’s plan for me – as if He were a genie in the lamp ready to hear and give my wishes with one rub of my palm ; or the longer I pray perhaps He would hear; or the harder I cry, perhaps He would bend his command just this once. But it only left my heart bruised all the more. But I kept trying – do this, do that, undo this, undo that, learn and unlearn everything – and the circus go round and round for three and half years! It seemed that this ‘command’ about not being unequally yoked was some kind of a college degree that I have to pass! I mean, how difficult was that course that I had to take and re-take that long?!
Yes, I was that crazy about this guy. What I saw in him? Only God knows! But oh, wait a sec, of course, he was the most good looking guy I ever laid my eyes on since birth, very smart, confident, kind but ask him about God? He would proudly say, “I don’t believe in God!” And yet, I was still crazy about him for 3 1/2 years! I wanted him so bad to love me back. I was that desperate. And why the ‘feelings’ wont go away? Because I wouldn’t let it go away! I love entertaining the fact that perhaps through me, he will be saved! Yeah right! What, did I suddenly swapped with Jesus to die on the cross? Crazy woman!
I believe the problem was caused by my stubborn heart, faithless deed and unbelieving spirit. It was a sin that consumed me thinking that my egotistical pride has got my mind blowing things up that I am much greater than God. Seriously? What was I thinking? Was God not in my future yet? Did he not create me? Does he not know the very thing that could make me happy or give me sorrow? Doesn’t He know my needs even before I speak of them?
I profess that I already am a Christian, gotten out of a wrong relationship but I didn’t really give my whole heart to the Lord. Inside, there was still a part in my heart that was adulterous. I still look at the others and desire them more than I desire God. I was in so much doubt about the power of God to bring about the person He has for me and most of all His power to save the guy, who I was in love with, without MY help. But instead, I had this notion that somehow I have to do most of the work – that my God was simply a genie waiting for me to rub my palm while he “poof” my wishes out of His magical hand.
This only reflected that I desired more of what God could give me rather than truly having a relationship with Him. For me, that was love. For me, that’s a relationship. Perhaps, this could be explained by the fact that I didn’t really have a close relationship with my biological father. Growing up, his way of showing love was by merely providing for our needs. For him, that’s more than enough – food on our table, shelter on our head and clothes on our back. That’s love. How I managed to navigate through this father-daughter relationship deserves another post for another time. But what I am saying is, it’s connected somehow.
I know with God, it was more than providing for my needs. For Him, He wants me to open up everything that my heart yearns for. He wants more than anything else, that I get to know Him in a way I have not never known yet. He wants all of me because He also wants to give all of Him to me.
So how did the feelings finally go away? It was quite subtle. I simply just start believing everyday that God loves me and He wants to give what is best for me. Slowly, the future gets brighter and filled with hope again. And that command not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever is not something to hinder me from being happy. It was there to protect me from a greater heartache. Because He loves me. I just have to trust and believe that He truly does!
In those journey of 3 1/2 years of finding love. Indeed, I found the love I have been looking for. I found God and He found me and loved me just the way I am! The best part is, I didn’t even have to embarrass myself. I simply just have to be me.
God bless! 🙂